Uzi Jesus, whose T'Ghee card identifies him as HeyZoos, is a gun-carrying totem acquired by Princess Donut during the card battles on the eighth floor. The card promises an unusual combination of ranged attacks, healing, and the ability to resurrect another totem. Its strength is offset by HeyZoos's refusal to follow orders consistently. Florin captures him but gives the card to Donut after being shot by his own summon. Donut later combines Uzi Jesus with Asojano to create Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang. A temporary card combination brings both original totems back for a fight against Quan Ch before Donut makes a later fusion permanent. A talking Uzi Jesus toy also appears outside the dungeon; it is a manufactured likeness, distinct from the totem.
Florin's capture and Donut's card
Florin encounters HeyZoos in a memory simulation after receiving a quest to stop him. According to Florin, the totem has been terrorizing a village, raising zombies from its cemetery for amusement and disrupting the simulation. He has also turned a river into wine because he is thirsty. Florin describes him as powerful and cocky rather than simply hostile. The danger becomes personal after Florin flags and summons him: HeyZoos shoots his deckmaster in the stomach during combat. Florin survives because the shot is a single round, but concludes that his charisma is too low to control the card. He already has six totems, including a giant caiman named Roy, and sees no reason to replace one with a summon likely to attack him again.
Florin explains how he caught the totem. He approached HeyZoos while the latter was drunk, offered him a supreme healing potion, and claimed that the drink came from his father. HeyZoos took Florin for an angel and drank it. As an undead creature, he was incapacitated by the potion, allowing Florin to capture him. This account establishes both the totem's vulnerability and the way his belief about his own identity can be used against him. Florin also says the card is labeled unique despite other versions of the Jesus figure circulating among crawlers. He regards his armed version as especially strong. That observation concerns variants of the figure; it does not make the other versions identical to Donut's card.
Carl and Donut meet Florin while they are assembling Donut's squad. Carl is wary of taking another strong-willed totem because they already have Asojano and have heard that difficult summons can clash. Donut, seeing that Florin's card carries a gun and that she has open squad slots, wants it. Florin thinks her higher charisma might give her a better chance of controlling HeyZoos and advises practice in a simulation room. He passes the card to her at the table. Once added, Uzi Jesus is the fourth of their six totems, alongside Geraldo the monk seal, Skylar Spinach the ghommid splitter, and Asojano. Carl values the prospect of ranged damage and healing in a group whose existing strengths lean toward close combat and debuffs.
Card profile and temperament
The orange unique card depicts a white-robed man with a red sash, long brown hair, a halo, and an Uzi. Its listing gives HeyZoos a level of 140, an origin of Ecuador, a seventy-five-second summon duration, and constitution of 200. It classifies him as undead, ranged, and healer, and names Blood into Lead, Resurrect Totem, and Bullet Hell among more than twenty additional skills and spells. The listing does not describe every ability in detail. Its breadth makes the card valuable, but the printed abilities alone do not show whether the summoned figure will use them when requested.
The card also carries a squad restriction that matters at the moment of transfer. Collecting it while Donut has empty slots automatically places the totem in her squad; until that squad is full, removing or trading a member requires tearing the card. Taking Uzi Jesus is therefore a commitment rather than a harmless trial. Florin's warning about control comes with a practical suggestion to test the summon before relying on it in a real battle. Carl later shares that concern, especially because an armed totem can injure allies as readily as enemies when it reacts without direction.
In a mock battle set in a crowded 1980s shopping mall, Donut draws Uzi Jesus and Shi Maria in her initial hand. Carl asks her to summon HeyZoos first and introduce the two, hoping to learn whether they can work together. HeyZoos arrives in a theatrical sequence involving a cross, spectral angels, and an announcer. The displayed countdown confirms the seventy-five-second limit from his card. He asks what happened to Florin, whom he remembers as the crocodile man. When Donut says Florin gave him away after being shot, HeyZoos maintains that he had intended to heal him. He handles his gun carelessly even while speaking to his new deckmaster.
The exercise fails as a test of cooperation. Shi Maria's sudden appearance frightens HeyZoos, who opens fire on her instead of waiting for an enemy. Donut orders him to stop, but he continues shooting while Maria's health falls. Maria impales him, knocks the Uzi away, and tells him that they are on the same team. She then demands healing. HeyZoos raises a hand as if to cast, but dies before doing so. Donut's first direct observation of the card thus confirms the risk Carl anticipated: the summon has formidable firepower, yet his response to another allied totem can consume the short window in which he is useful.
Further practice shows a different obstacle. HeyZoos is less openly hostile than Asojano, but Carl estimates that he follows Donut's instructions only about half the time and sometimes claims afterward to have complied when he has not. In one exercise, a minotaur cleaves Geraldo in two. Donut tells HeyZoos to cast Resurrect Totem, which would restore Geraldo with a reset timer and remove the buffs and debuffs on him. HeyZoos says he has done it while Geraldo's body still lies in pieces. Donut knows he can use the spell because she has seen him do so before. He instead offers to shoot the minotaur and resents her earlier denial that he is the real Jesus. Donut apologizes under pressure, but HeyZoos accidentally shoots himself in the shoulder before helping. Raul kills the approaching minotaur. The group wins its practice fights, although those victories leave Carl worried about how Donut's deck will perform against an opponent who can exploit a delay.
Combination into Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang
Donut eventually uses a Combo card to join Uzi Jesus and Asojano into a new totem, Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang. Carl first sees Lazarus in combat against a Reef Explorer deckmaster and his swordfish-like fighters. The new summon enters amid religious imagery and street-dog projections, combining visual elements associated with both predecessors. Instead of HeyZoos's Uzi or Asojano's shell-made wand, Lazarus carries a magical bazooka whose effects vary. One discharge covers several opposing fighters in destructive beetles. Donut says she has also seen its projectiles take other forms in the arena.
Lazarus is a new card, rather than Uzi Jesus simply changing equipment. His listing names Combo as his origin and says that Glow-Up has frozen him in place with active buffs. Donut explains that she raised his initially low constitution to 80 before making the combination permanent. He retains level 140, matching Uzi Jesus rather than the level-130 Asojano, and lasts 200 seconds when summoned. His card lists him as a ranged healer who inflicts afflictions, with Resurrect Totem among his abilities. Unlike both component totems, Lazarus is not classified as undead. His two available utility slots are also a reduction from the seven Donut says each original card had. The combination lengthens his summon and brings several capabilities together, but it changes other card properties rather than preserving every original statistic.
Donut believes Lazarus has memories from both component totems. He invokes a father as HeyZoos did, speaks with traces of both voices, and can still be abrasive. He initially points his weapon at Carl because he does not recognize him, then lowers it when Donut intervenes. Donut finds him easier to direct than either Uzi Jesus or Asojano, though she qualifies that judgment: he follows orders usually. His ability to heal and resurrect matters to the squad, but the immediate gain Carl sees is a powerful attacker who can be told to protect Donut or leave another totem to finish a fight. His behavior shows why the fusion appeals to her even though his constitution is lower than that of the original Uzi Jesus card.
The fusion also does not end every appearance of HeyZoos. Later, Donut temporarily combines Lazarus with Skylar Spinach using Golden Combo. During the battle with Quan Ch, a Mongolian death worm swallows Lazarus. The combined totem then separates into its component cards, and the effect involving Skylar's ability to split produces stronger versions of Lazarus's own components. Uzi Jesus returns as Uzi Jesus – Gold Edition, glowing gold and carrying two gold-plated Uzis. Asojano reappears beside him as Lord of Blight – Gold Edition. Their return follows the destruction of the temporary combination; it is not evidence that Donut had simply kept an ordinary, independent copy of the original HeyZoos card beside Lazarus.
Carl urges the two restored totems to stop Quan from escaping. HeyZoos begins by spinning his guns and accidentally losing one when it fires, preserving the carelessness Donut saw in training. He then empties the remaining weapon into Quan and activates Bullet Hell. The attack sends an overwhelming shower of projectiles at Quan, including from above, while Asojano adds debilitating effects. Neither kills Quan outright. When Donut's card battle ends, Uzi Jesus and Asojano disappear with the rest of her summons, leaving Quan badly injured and unable to heal. Donut receives credit after Quan dies, but the scene does not present Uzi Jesus as his sole killer.
Near the end of the eighth-floor events, Donut again uses Golden Combo to fuse Lazarus with Skylar Spinach, then applies Glow Up to make that combination permanent. Carl notes that the strengthened Uzi Jesus and Asojano components make this a valuable choice when only one card can go to the next floor. The change leaves Donut a totem short and helps explain the addition of Alpha Male Carl to her deck. The sequence distinguishes the original permanent creation of Lazarus, the temporary separation that exposes HeyZoos in gold form, and Donut's subsequent permanent combination. Uzi Jesus's independent battlefield appearance belongs to that intervening, temporary state.
The action-figure likeness
Outside the dungeon, the character's appearance and manner are reproduced in a Veriluxx Real Pet Companion toy. Zander, a saccathian operating the Squirties waystation near the Earth system's tunnel access route, keeps an Uzi Jesus action figure among other crawler-themed toys. He activates it while worrying about the embargo that has cut off traffic and damaged his business. The toy answers him, comments on his problem and the station's name, and carries a plastic gun that makes a small popping sound. Its speech and behavior imitate HeyZoos's irreverence and his habit of mishandling a firearm.
The toy also advertises a manufacturer's disapproval of blasphemy after its own outburst. When Eris arrives at the waystation, she picks up the figure and asks whether it represents an Earth deity. It responds in character while Zander turns to his unexpected visitor. This appearance shows Uzi Jesus as a recognizable commercial persona beyond Donut's card battles. The figure is identified in the scene as a manufactured companion toy; nothing there establishes that the original totem or an independent version of HeyZoos has left the card system.